wat bout pragnant strippers??
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
