If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He shit in the fireplace
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
