i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize