She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
