I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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