Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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