Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
