I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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