boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
