Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
