Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
