Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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