Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
