I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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