I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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