she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
