my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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