remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
