Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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