just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
