Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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