We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just come out here and I will go home with you...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
