would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
