Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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