I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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