you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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