It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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