Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
