New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
