I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
