My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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