On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
