On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
