bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
