i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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