I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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