WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
