Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
