Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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