I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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