Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
