Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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