If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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