dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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