I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
