i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
