One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
