remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
