just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
