Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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