this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
