remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
