haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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