Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
