My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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