But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
