paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
