apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also, beer. Big fan.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
