Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
