if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
